Moses, Stammering, and me.

 

‎Moses felt unqualified. As do I. 

‎When many people read or hear about Moses, they remember the man who encountered God in a burning bush, whose rod swallowed other rods, who parted the waters, struck the rock, spent so much time in God's presence that his face lit up and could not be looked upon, mediated between God and His people, boldly stood before Pharaoh. 

‎And truth be told, I think about all that too. 

What a great vessel of Yahweh.. 

‎However, beyond that, I think about Moses, the man who was a stammerer, who felt unqualified to go before the king of Egypt because of his speech impediment, even though he was being sent by God.

So unqualified did the stammering make him feel that God had to send his brother with him to help with the talking. 

‎It humbles me.

It equally scares me. 

‎Imagine being faced with a calling as great as that, but you have a 'disability' or 'flaw' that's completely not of your doing, that makes you feel inadequate. That is enough to make anyone mad. 

‎It makes me mad. 

‎I am not a 'chronic stammerer', at least not anymore. I remember I used to stamp my foot on the ground or hit myself before producing some consonant sounds like /b, d, m/ or overly stretch my /s/...it was super annoying.

But then the 'tics' changed over time. 

‎Sometimes I would close my eyes really tightly before speaking, but you know the weirdest perhaps unpredictable thing? 

‎I debated.

I acted.

I performed.

I addressed the school assembly everyday.

I led the school choir. 

‎Because I loved it. 

‎For the debate, I learned a lot of synonyms for the words that contained the triggering sounds, and once I started speaking fast, I did not stop otherwise I would start to stammer. 

‎You see that thing where people say 'you don't stammer when you sing,'

‎ha! Fat lie. 

‎At least in my case.

There are some words that I stumble on when singing, especially /m/ sounds.. Not all, it depends on the flow of the song. 

‎You see it didn't annoy me much until I got older and knew that I really wanted to meet more people, speak in public, make movies, etc. 

‎Especially as there are some kind of intense dialogue I cannot have while acting because dear stammering will catch up. 

‎It makes me feel limited. 

‎The tics are gone, but now I could go /a a a a a/ in the middle of a conversation with people and it sometimes makes me stop the conversation altogether. 

‎I don't stammer on every word or every sentence. But when nerves come in, excitement, anxiety, tension...

I'm a wreck. Lol. 

‎And it made me mad.

How come I stammer? No one in my family does. 

‎Well, except my 'father', who is not in my life. And of all the things to inherit from an absent parent, I got the one thing that makes me question myself. 

‎Hilarious. 

‎Sometimes I would say ahead of time that I could stammer so as to prepare the minds of listeners. 

‎It helps when I speak slowly, controlled, and measured. I try to do that in formal settings. 

‎Deep breaths, pauses, synonyms. 

‎Moses vs Me. 

‎I don't have an Aaron to speak for me, and frankly I believe that was intentionally done. 

‎Because where Moses felt unqualified, so do I.

‎It's funny how someone who 'stammers' has a calling for public speaking, communication, storytelling, basically anything that involves speaking. 

‎Accident? Impossible in my Lord's books. 

‎Where Moses felt angry, I can relate.

When you cannot express yourself as quickly or articulately as you would like, it builds up a rage inside you and perhaps that was why he struck the rock more than once. 

‎There's a running myth that stammerers have uncontrollable anger. Well duhhh.. You are upset about something, and now you cannot express how upset you are because of the stammering and then you are upset about that too and the only other expression is physical. 

‎Hence, breaking stuff, yelling, kicking stuff. 

‎I just walk away.

I don't exchange words. Never did. Never will. 

‎But like Moses, I will go regardless. Because He who sends me, is capable of helping me. 

‎I feel grateful every time people tell me how much better they feel after speaking or listening to me, and I think about the girl who still somehow feels unqualified. 

‎The girl who now knows that she is backed, just as Moses was. 

‎I may not have an Aaron to help speak for me, but I have the Holy Spirit, and He helps me greatly. 

‎What I have in common with the vessel of Yahweh, is way more than the stammering, but a trait that we thought made us inadequate, that God chose to use regardless. 

‎We do not decide what makes us special, He does

‎Because when I think... 'Why me?'

‎The very thing I sometimes struggle to do is one of the things I feel called to do.

‎And now that same man is known for great works, and the patron of all who think they are too unqualified for the calling upon them. 

‎Moses got upset. As do I. 

‎Moses felt helped. As do I. 

‎Moses called upon God. As do I. As will I. 

‎Moses obeyed. As will I. 

‎And to anyone feeling inadequate and unqualified for the weight of their calling in comparison to their struggle, thinking.. 

‎"Surely God couldn't have meant me, not this version of me".

‎Picture Moses looking at you now saying, 

‎"Apparently, He did."

‎Itohan ✍🏾