Love me, Signed... Me.


I have always loved love. The idea of someone choosing to be with you forever, through all the stages of your growth and change over time, flaws and all- sounded amazing.. I did not know what love was.

 Growing up I was treated as a convenient inconvenience, almost an afterthought, tolerated because they did not know what else to do to me, so every necessity was done to or for me out of obligation, every other thing was nonexistent

And love or marriage occurred to me as an escape, a route through which I will eventually realize that I was worthy of being accepted just for who I am and not having to earn it by constantly trying to be a good girl. 

As I grew older, and had failed relationships, I realized that I could not expect someone else to love me for who I am when I did not even love me for who I was-no, scratch that-i did not even know who I was.

 Outside of trying to be the good daughter, sister and overall someone 'likeable and nice', so that they could accept me, I didn't know who my authentic self was. 

I found myself giving too much to people, in expectation of love in return, but... I'm learning now that external love is not meant to complete me, I have to accept and love myself from within. Then and only then, can I know the version of me that is authentic and not situationally influenced.. 

I'm learning myself, growing myself, hating some parts, loving some parts, accepting and fighting. It's a hard tedious journey that has been bumpy, but it is what I have to do.

Because you see, I still love LOVE. I mean, the Michael Dappa on Omoni Oboli TV kind of love. I deserve such love. Gentle, kind, listening without dismissal, affection without conditions, acceptance with care... 
I deserve a love that chooses me over and over again.

In spite of what I thought love was, I know now that love is pure and stays, not by obligation, but by choice and decision. I deserve my love. I deserve to give someone all the love I have bottled up. I deserve my Happily Ever After. 

Itohan ✍️

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Rain is my therapy

Image
  The Rain Means Different Things The downpour of rain means a lot to different people. To some, it's a promise of swamps and floods, of tears and fears. To others, it's a sign of fruitful harvests and bountiful prospects. And for some, it's the perfect excuse to be cozy and curled up indoors. But to me… Rain is my therapy. The feel of the cold breeze that precedes the rain sends happy chills through my body. The sound of raindrops on my roof is rhythmic to my ears—like the joyful drums of victory after a long, hard battle. So I step out into the blissful showers. Each drop reminds me that I am present, grounded in the now, becoming who I am meant to be. The rain washes away my pain and quiets my thoughts. It fills me with hope—that no matter how dry or barren life may seem, there is always a promise of rain... Of showers... Of cool. What does rain signify for you?
Read more

I WANT A COOKIE 🍪

Image
  Nothing prepared me for the screech sound that snapped me out of my daydreaming.  I realized that I was walking straight into an oncoming car and the driver had to screech to a halt to avoid crushing me to dust.  “Watch where you are going! You are lucky I wasn't on full speed, these young people”, she grunted as she drove off before she heard my muttered thanks.  I found a place to sit and breathe before continuing my routine daily walk. However this evening was different, I wasn't myself, it felt as though something had yanked out my soul, tied it around my neck and asked me if I wanted a cookie..  Ouu I could really use a cookie right now… arghh..   I shook my head and it brought me back to the present. I had gotten another rejection mail earlier today. It was getting really tiring and with each passing day I think I am slowly inching closer to fading away, because how was I to continue coping with the bills piling up and a stack of rejection emails?...
Read more

You Gotta Be Hungry

Image
  You Gotta Be Hungry.  I've always been minimalistic.  No, let me rephrase that. I grew up believing that spending money on certain things were unnecessary, that money should be saved for important occasions or emergency, that expensive things were unnecessary luxury.  It shaped me into believing that I only deserved the bare minimum and that the urge to get something bigger was born out of discontent and greed.  Until recently I re-learned.  I re-learned that I am deserving of good things, even if they are expensive. I've always operated from a place of lack..  Saying that I couldn't get something because it was too expensive or i could do without it, and it came to pass, I never got them.  But now, I've learned to operate from a place of abundance. To speak what I want into existence. Declaring that I'm deserving of it, I want it, and work towards it.  Your mouth is the key to life and death. To lack and abundance. And when we stay in a pl...
Read more